Naivete

As I look back on my post from 9/2010, I want to laugh and cry.  

I'll give you a second to read it below...


 "...okay so Dave and I have always said we definitely want at least 2 babies...MAYBE 3. He seems pretty firm on that, but I could go for a minimum of 3...MAYBE 4 (so I think now). This is hilarious to me because I've never even considered having 4 babies for a number of reasons, but having Mason has made me want a bigger family than I originally had planned. I know it would be crazy since I'd have to have them pretty close together, but whatever. Regardless of how many we have, I'll have them close together so, what's the difference?

I currently have 4 friends that are pregnant and it's so exciting that I can't wait to have our next one!

babies! babies! and more babies!...I've got the fever!!!"

I honestly had no reason to believe it wouldn't happen this way, just like I planned and hoped it would happen.  Life was good. We had everything we wanted and worked hard for, Mason was 8 months old and we were ready to continue growing our family.

I had no reason to believe that having the "fever" (along with other things) wasn't going to be enough to just pop out baby #2, baby #3, baby #4, and baby #5.   My mom didn't have difficulty having her three children.  Up to this point in my circle, only a small handful of my friends had sadly had a miscarriage, but I thought that was rare and that it would never happen to me. After all, I had Mason. He was healthy.

Then I lost my next 4 babies. 

The naivete of my post from 3 short years ago, just turns my stomach.  When I read it again after all this time, I feel a host of mixed emotions. I laugh at it because it sounds so ridiculous to me now, have feelings of anger and bitterness because it didn't happen that way for me,  and I'm deeply saddened about the losses of my four angel babies. (insert blessing of amazing and patient husband here).

I do think very carefully now before I speak about pregnancy, before I post certain things on social media, and I'm very selective about who I ask if they're "planning to have more children", etc.  All very normal things for people to do everyday, but when you're heart has been broken in such a way that it feels as if the pieces are hanging on by a string, you start thinking about who else might be feeling something similar.  You remember how hurtful and insensitive the comments (although innocent) made by other people felt, and you vow to never be the person to make someone else feel that way, even unintentionally.  It's just where your mind and heart go.  Not everyone gets it and that's okay.  Particularly those who have had their plans go smoothly, and I don't blame them.   I've always considered empathy a strength of mine, but I guess God decided I needed an extra helping.

My experiences have taught me a number of lessons which I'll get into as I blog about each step, but the perspective it has given me on life, has been invaluable.   Most of life's everyday "stuff" pales in comparison, so I let it go (or at least I try) and that has been a gift. 

This is my journey.

A Preamble to Healing

wow.

well, I said 6 months ago that I was back at updating my blog.  It's now July aaaand....nothing.

I have good reason.

I just wasn't ready.

I'm finally allowing myself to rehash what I call my own personal tragedies, probably because my heart just can't hold onto them anymore.  I'm hoping by getting it all out (along with lots and lots of prayer), that I can breathe again.

I have no idea where to begin on the last 2 1/2 years of our lives.  What I do know, is that it's been a crazy roller coaster with ups and downs (more downs than I'd like) but hey...I'm still here and I still have my amazing husband, my amazing son, and the best family and friends I could ask for. 

While my next series of blogs will be more about my heartaches, I am still reminded of all the blessings God has given me through this same time period.  A constant stream of hope and encouragement in the form of love and laughter...like beautiful shooting stars piercing my heart...reminding me that I am loved and all that I have to be thankful for.  I know I am not the first person to experience what I have, and I know it could be so much worse.  So I write this as my own journey, with a thankful heart for the things I have not had to endure.

It's going to take me a while to get everything out onto "paper", and I'm honestly doing it more for me and my own healing than anything else, but if it can help anyone, in any way, by sharing my journey...that would be a plus. 

**deep breaths**