I'm gonna just stop promising to blog. I obviously get caught up in other things (like life) and let 11 months go by. woops.
It's been a full 11 months, that's for sure.
We have had a really wonderful time living life to its fullest, the best we can. We have done well at not taking things for granted and soaking up the joy of every second, hour, day, week, month.
It's ridiculous how much joy one moment can hold. really.
Since my last post I quit my job to stay home with Mason (absolute BEST decision ever!), I home-schooled Mason for preschool (which basically means we played nonstop because that's what preschoolers do best), and sadly we lost 2 more babies bringing us to a total of 6 miscarriages.
One thing I know for sure is that I'm going to be a very busy mommy in heaven.
I've learned so much and have grown tremendously through the ups and downs. A sweet friend of mine, Kim Detwiler, recommended a book to me last August called 'One Thousand Gifts' by Ann Voskamp. It was crazy good, and deep, and overwhelming...I basically highlighted and underlined the entire book. It's something I will go back to time and time again. It's why I started my own journey of gratitude in the smallest of things. It taught me to slow down in the moments. To be grateful and joyful even in the chaos. In the last 3 1/2 years, we have had more wonderful things happen in our lives than I could pretend to count, but in reflecting on the chaos, all I can do is learn and move forward and handle it all with more grace each time. Something not everyone is pushed to learn, but I'm grateful for it, among other things.
I'm thankful to God for wrapping His loving arms around my family and carrying us through the valleys, and for Time. The time I have learned to slow, stretch, let heal and savor.
I'm thankful for my husband who is my solid unconditional rock, always. He helps me keep life full and rich and fun even through the tears...what more could anyone possibly ask for? What we've experienced in our marriage so far would, dare I say, drive some couples apart, but we are closer than ever and to say God blessed me with him would be a major understatement.
I'm thankful for my sweet angel Mason for saving my life every day with his JOY. He is pure JOY and I see Heaven in his eyes each time he looks at me. For all the TIME we get together, one on one, thousands of moments to soak each other up. He really is the coolest kid. ever. for reals. I'm incredibly humbled to be his mommy.
I'm thankful for our incredibly supportive family and friends who have walked on eggshells right along with us through each loss. Living that crazy balancing act of staying hopeful and praying for the best, yet prepared to catch us when we fall when things don't happen the way we want them to, again. For loving us enough to give us space when we need it, but right there to help us pick up the pieces again, like we always do. Gratitude just isn't a big enough word.
I'm thankful for my mentor from church. She's a wise woman with a beautiful heart who knows all too well the pain I've carried and the wounds my heart and soul are constantly healing from. She's the only person who has been able to validate my feelings because she's had them too...even the awful ones. I'm thankful for all that I've learned from her about God, prayer, myself, and so many other wonderful things that we share and talk about regularly. God is good, all the time and I know He brought her specifically into my life in a season that I would need her most. A season where my heart was growing big time and was most open to learn and grow closer to Him.
I'm thankful that we live in such a beautiful place where parks and the beach are our backyard, and that we are able to give Mason the life we are giving him.
I'm not making any promises this time but I hope I can make the time to document my journey in the coming months.
"Time is a relentless river. It rages on, a respecter of no one. And this, this is the only way to slow time: When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention. I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here. I can slow the torrent by being all here. I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment. And when I'm always looking for the next glimpse of glory, I slow and enter. And time slows. Weigh down this moment in time with attention full, and the whole of time's river slows, slows, slows." ...."full attention slows time and I live the full of the moment, right to the outer edges." -Ann Voskamp
July 1, 2014
July 22, 2013
Naivete
As I look back on my post from 9/2010, I want to laugh and cry.
I'll give you a second to read it below...
"...okay so Dave and I have always said we definitely want at least 2 babies...MAYBE 3. He seems pretty firm on that, but I could go for a minimum of 3...MAYBE 4 (so I think now). This is hilarious to me because I've never even considered having 4 babies for a number of reasons, but having Mason has made me want a bigger family than I originally had planned. I know it would be crazy since I'd have to have them pretty close together, but whatever. Regardless of how many we have, I'll have them close together so, what's the difference?
I currently have 4 friends that are pregnant and it's so exciting that I can't wait to have our next one!
babies! babies! and more babies!...I've got the fever!!!"
I honestly had no reason to believe it wouldn't happen this way, just like I planned and hoped it would happen. Life was good. We had everything we wanted and worked hard for, Mason was 8 months old and we were ready to continue growing our family.
I had no reason to believe that having the "fever" (along with other things) wasn't going to be enough to just pop out baby #2, baby #3, baby #4, and baby #5. My mom didn't have difficulty having her three children. Up to this point in my circle, only a small handful of my friends had sadly had a miscarriage, but I thought that was rare and that it would never happen to me. After all, I had Mason. He was healthy.
Then I lost my next 4 babies.
The naivete of my post from 3 short years ago, just turns my stomach. When I read it again after all this time, I feel a host of mixed emotions. I laugh at it because it sounds so ridiculous to me now, have feelings of anger and bitterness because it didn't happen that way for me, and I'm deeply saddened about the losses of my four angel babies. (insert blessing of amazing and patient husband here).
I do think very carefully now before I speak about pregnancy, before I post certain things on social media, and I'm very selective about who I ask if they're "planning to have more children", etc. All very normal things for people to do everyday, but when you're heart has been broken in such a way that it feels as if the pieces are hanging on by a string, you start thinking about who else might be feeling something similar. You remember how hurtful and insensitive the comments (although innocent) made by other people felt, and you vow to never be the person to make someone else feel that way, even unintentionally. It's just where your mind and heart go. Not everyone gets it and that's okay. Particularly those who have had their plans go smoothly, and I don't blame them. I've always considered empathy a strength of mine, but I guess God decided I needed an extra helping.
My experiences have taught me a number of lessons which I'll get into as I blog about each step, but the perspective it has given me on life, has been invaluable. Most of life's everyday "stuff" pales in comparison, so I let it go (or at least I try) and that has been a gift.
This is my journey.
I'll give you a second to read it below...
"...okay so Dave and I have always said we definitely want at least 2 babies...MAYBE 3. He seems pretty firm on that, but I could go for a minimum of 3...MAYBE 4 (so I think now). This is hilarious to me because I've never even considered having 4 babies for a number of reasons, but having Mason has made me want a bigger family than I originally had planned. I know it would be crazy since I'd have to have them pretty close together, but whatever. Regardless of how many we have, I'll have them close together so, what's the difference?
I currently have 4 friends that are pregnant and it's so exciting that I can't wait to have our next one!
babies! babies! and more babies!...I've got the fever!!!"
I honestly had no reason to believe it wouldn't happen this way, just like I planned and hoped it would happen. Life was good. We had everything we wanted and worked hard for, Mason was 8 months old and we were ready to continue growing our family.
I had no reason to believe that having the "fever" (along with other things) wasn't going to be enough to just pop out baby #2, baby #3, baby #4, and baby #5. My mom didn't have difficulty having her three children. Up to this point in my circle, only a small handful of my friends had sadly had a miscarriage, but I thought that was rare and that it would never happen to me. After all, I had Mason. He was healthy.
Then I lost my next 4 babies.
The naivete of my post from 3 short years ago, just turns my stomach. When I read it again after all this time, I feel a host of mixed emotions. I laugh at it because it sounds so ridiculous to me now, have feelings of anger and bitterness because it didn't happen that way for me, and I'm deeply saddened about the losses of my four angel babies. (insert blessing of amazing and patient husband here).
I do think very carefully now before I speak about pregnancy, before I post certain things on social media, and I'm very selective about who I ask if they're "planning to have more children", etc. All very normal things for people to do everyday, but when you're heart has been broken in such a way that it feels as if the pieces are hanging on by a string, you start thinking about who else might be feeling something similar. You remember how hurtful and insensitive the comments (although innocent) made by other people felt, and you vow to never be the person to make someone else feel that way, even unintentionally. It's just where your mind and heart go. Not everyone gets it and that's okay. Particularly those who have had their plans go smoothly, and I don't blame them. I've always considered empathy a strength of mine, but I guess God decided I needed an extra helping.
My experiences have taught me a number of lessons which I'll get into as I blog about each step, but the perspective it has given me on life, has been invaluable. Most of life's everyday "stuff" pales in comparison, so I let it go (or at least I try) and that has been a gift.
This is my journey.
A Preamble to Healing
wow.
well, I said 6 months ago that I was back at updating my blog. It's now July aaaand....nothing.
I have good reason.
I just wasn't ready.
I'm finally allowing myself to rehash what I call my own personal tragedies, probably because my heart just can't hold onto them anymore. I'm hoping by getting it all out (along with lots and lots of prayer), that I can breathe again.
I have no idea where to begin on the last 2 1/2 years of our lives. What I do know, is that it's been a crazy roller coaster with ups and downs (more downs than I'd like) but hey...I'm still here and I still have my amazing husband, my amazing son, and the best family and friends I could ask for.
While my next series of blogs will be more about my heartaches, I am still reminded of all the blessings God has given me through this same time period. A constant stream of hope and encouragement in the form of love and laughter...like beautiful shooting stars piercing my heart...reminding me that I am loved and all that I have to be thankful for. I know I am not the first person to experience what I have, and I know it could be so much worse. So I write this as my own journey, with a thankful heart for the things I have not had to endure.
It's going to take me a while to get everything out onto "paper", and I'm honestly doing it more for me and my own healing than anything else, but if it can help anyone, in any way, by sharing my journey...that would be a plus.
**deep breaths**
well, I said 6 months ago that I was back at updating my blog. It's now July aaaand....nothing.
I have good reason.
I just wasn't ready.
I'm finally allowing myself to rehash what I call my own personal tragedies, probably because my heart just can't hold onto them anymore. I'm hoping by getting it all out (along with lots and lots of prayer), that I can breathe again.
I have no idea where to begin on the last 2 1/2 years of our lives. What I do know, is that it's been a crazy roller coaster with ups and downs (more downs than I'd like) but hey...I'm still here and I still have my amazing husband, my amazing son, and the best family and friends I could ask for.
While my next series of blogs will be more about my heartaches, I am still reminded of all the blessings God has given me through this same time period. A constant stream of hope and encouragement in the form of love and laughter...like beautiful shooting stars piercing my heart...reminding me that I am loved and all that I have to be thankful for. I know I am not the first person to experience what I have, and I know it could be so much worse. So I write this as my own journey, with a thankful heart for the things I have not had to endure.
It's going to take me a while to get everything out onto "paper", and I'm honestly doing it more for me and my own healing than anything else, but if it can help anyone, in any way, by sharing my journey...that would be a plus.
**deep breaths**
January 14, 2013
I'm back...
I know it's been over 2 years (I could write a book) but I'm back.
I'm committed to starting this blog back up again so stay tuned for details about the last couple of years and the adventures to come in 2013...and beyond.
:)
I'm committed to starting this blog back up again so stay tuned for details about the last couple of years and the adventures to come in 2013...and beyond.
:)
September 19, 2010
Proud to be a Duck...
...well, by association that is. My husband attended University of Oregon for Grad school and is a proud Duck. So, by association, I'm vicariously a duck through him...but it's to the point that you would think I went there too. While I loved being an Aztec and a Bulldog, I had never really experienced a true college football game. At SDSU, football games were more of a fashion show for the sororities and fraternities (and I'm anti-greek) so you can imagine how much fun that was for me. bleh. The majority of the spectators didn't even watch the game, let alone wear school colors or display team spirit...although the Aztec mascot did get a few people riled up with his minimal clothing and large...headdress. eh-hem.
focus.
Needless to say, Aztec games (in the stands) weren't much more for me than a glorified High School game in a big boy stadium (disclaimer--I'm certain that my awesome AT friends out there had a different experience on the field). In grad school, I don't even think U of R HAD a football team...the fact that I don't even know tells you a lot about the uh...sports program there.
Fast forward to 2005 when Dave started working with the Oregon Duck Football Team. A-mazing. I really don't even know where to begin so I'll just cut to the chase. I wish I went to U of O. I'm a poser, a wanna-be, and I don't even care. College would have taken on a whole new meaning. The campus is gorgeous and the little town of Eugene, OR lives, eats, and breathes Oregon Duck Football. At first I was like, "what? I don't get it. What's the big deal?" I did not believe the hype. I even scoffed at the color-combo...I mean green and yellow? really?
Really.
I got to see it all first hand at my first game, and I've been hooked ever since. It was so loud. Everyone was pumped. Autzen stadium was a sea of green and yellow and I beamed with poser-pride wearing my green and yellow to fit right in with the rest. Everything from tailgating, to the marching band, to the crazy student section, to the never-ending number of uniform combos for the players, to the Duck mascot (who is way better than our buff Aztec down south btw)...this is something to experience.
I never really knew what I was missing out on until that day. It was extra cool for me because Dave worked for the team so I felt even more connected to the experience. I became a duck fan overnight and was instantly envious of Dave and all his friends/classmates for their college experience...and I wanted a do-over for mine.
Fast forward to current day...The ducks have had some exciting times since I've become a fan (5 bowl games in 5 years, including the Rose Bowl). Dave and I faithfully watch and keep track of Oregon alumni that have moved on to the pros (like Dennis Dixon, Haloti Ngata, and Jonathan Stewart to name a few). We anxiously anticipate football season (Dave-for many reasons, me-to watch the Ducks and the Chargers). I order the duck spirit tee every year right when it's released so we are sure to have them for the first non-conference game (although this years' design was kinda lame so I passed). I proudly wear an O on my back window of my car. My re-usable grocery bags are Green and Yellow Oregon bags and I'd honestly be okay if Mason says "Go Ducks" before he says "Mama" or "Dada".
So the 2010 season has begun and "we" are the only PAC10 team ranked in the top 10...representin' at #5. BAM!
I don't care where I actually went for undergrad or grad school. It took one Football game and my heart is with University of Oregon Football. I can only imagine how students who go/went there feel...lucky ducks.
Believe the hype...it's as awesome as it looks:
focus.
Needless to say, Aztec games (in the stands) weren't much more for me than a glorified High School game in a big boy stadium (disclaimer--I'm certain that my awesome AT friends out there had a different experience on the field). In grad school, I don't even think U of R HAD a football team...the fact that I don't even know tells you a lot about the uh...sports program there.
Fast forward to 2005 when Dave started working with the Oregon Duck Football Team. A-mazing. I really don't even know where to begin so I'll just cut to the chase. I wish I went to U of O. I'm a poser, a wanna-be, and I don't even care. College would have taken on a whole new meaning. The campus is gorgeous and the little town of Eugene, OR lives, eats, and breathes Oregon Duck Football. At first I was like, "what? I don't get it. What's the big deal?" I did not believe the hype. I even scoffed at the color-combo...I mean green and yellow? really?
Really.
I got to see it all first hand at my first game, and I've been hooked ever since. It was so loud. Everyone was pumped. Autzen stadium was a sea of green and yellow and I beamed with poser-pride wearing my green and yellow to fit right in with the rest. Everything from tailgating, to the marching band, to the crazy student section, to the never-ending number of uniform combos for the players, to the Duck mascot (who is way better than our buff Aztec down south btw)...this is something to experience.
I never really knew what I was missing out on until that day. It was extra cool for me because Dave worked for the team so I felt even more connected to the experience. I became a duck fan overnight and was instantly envious of Dave and all his friends/classmates for their college experience...and I wanted a do-over for mine.
Fast forward to current day...The ducks have had some exciting times since I've become a fan (5 bowl games in 5 years, including the Rose Bowl). Dave and I faithfully watch and keep track of Oregon alumni that have moved on to the pros (like Dennis Dixon, Haloti Ngata, and Jonathan Stewart to name a few). We anxiously anticipate football season (Dave-for many reasons, me-to watch the Ducks and the Chargers). I order the duck spirit tee every year right when it's released so we are sure to have them for the first non-conference game (although this years' design was kinda lame so I passed). I proudly wear an O on my back window of my car. My re-usable grocery bags are Green and Yellow Oregon bags and I'd honestly be okay if Mason says "Go Ducks" before he says "Mama" or "Dada".
So the 2010 season has begun and "we" are the only PAC10 team ranked in the top 10...representin' at #5. BAM!
I don't care where I actually went for undergrad or grad school. It took one Football game and my heart is with University of Oregon Football. I can only imagine how students who go/went there feel...lucky ducks.
Believe the hype...it's as awesome as it looks:
1 little, 2 little, 3 little Pilgrims... (or 4?)
...okay so Dave and I have always said we definitely want at least 2 babies...MAYBE 3. He seems pretty firm on that, but I could go for a minimum of 3...MAYBE 4 (so I think now). This is hilarious to me because I've never even considered having 4 babies for a number of reasons, but having Mason has made me want a bigger family than I originally had planned. I know it would be crazy since I'd have to have them pretty close together, but whatever. Regardless of how many we have, I'll have them close together so, what's the difference?
I currently have 4 friends that are pregnant and it's so exciting that I can't wait to have our next one!
babies! babies! and more babies!...I've got the fever!!!
I currently have 4 friends that are pregnant and it's so exciting that I can't wait to have our next one!
babies! babies! and more babies!...I've got the fever!!!
September 18, 2010
"Blink"
Our little Mason is 8 months old today. How did THAT happen? I just can't believe how fast the time goes by. Everyone said it would, but you can't really grasp it until it happens...and it's too late to go back. I think on a daily basis about cherishing each moment with Mason and I literally get sick to my stomach when I think about him growing up...and away. It sounds negative, but I don't mean it that way. He just fills me up with the purest joy I've ever known, and I want him to stay small and innocent forever. When he looks at me with his big blue eyes I feel a sense of complete purpose in this world and am joyfully overwhelmed by the responsibility that comes with it.
I have known so many different versions of Mason as he has grown over the last 8 months and each time a new phase begins, I say "this one is my favorite". I love seeing the world through his eyes and the wonderment and excitement he has for the smallest of things. I always say that I wish I could take pictures with my eyes...to forever have these moments saved on my endless memory card. Seeing him develop and grow reminds me not to take the little (or big) things for granted. Basically, we have a 22 lb reminder of God's miracles every day...and it's astoundingly humbling. If the love I feel for Mason is even the slightest fraction of God's love for me...A-mazing.
I know we have so many wonderful moments ahead of us with Mason, but I also know they will come and go in the blink of an eye. Just another reason to take in each moment, each milestone, each beautiful giggle, each proud new accomplishment, each sweet kiss, each cuddly hug, even each sleepless night...and just enjoy the journey.
Yesterday, I heard a song on our local Christian radio station and it brought tears to my eyes because it basically put into song the way I feel at the beginning and end of each day spent with Mason. I want to number my days (in a good way), I want to count every moment, before today becomes our yesterday...we only have this one life...and I want to look back on it...joyfully.
"Blink" by Revive
Teach me to number my days
And count every moment before it slips away
Taking all the colors before they fade to gray
I don’t want to miss even just a second more of this
It happens in a blink
It happens in a flash
It happens in the time it takes to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there’s no stopping time
What is it I’ve done with my life
It happens in a blink
When it’s all said and done
No one remembers how far we have run
The only thing that matters is how we have loved
I don’t want to miss even just a second more of this
It happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it takes to look back
I try to hold on tight but there’s no stopping time
What is it I’ve done with my life
It happens in a blink
Slow down, slow down
Before today becomes our yesterday
Slow down, slow down
Before you turn around and it’s too late
It happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it takes to look back
I try to hold on tight but there’s no stopping time
What is it I’ve done with my life
It happens in a blink
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